Dreaming in sports

Prompt

“You know I’ve always been a dreamer
Spent my life runnin’ ‘round
And it’s so hard to change
Can’t seem to settle down
But the dreams I’ve seen lately keep on turning out
And burning out and turning out the same
So put me on a highway and show me a sign
And take it to the limit one more time”

- Eagles, Take It to the Limit

My eyes are open but my mind is wandering around, fully immersed in the ocean of racing thoughts.

My body sits still for now, but it knows that later it will push, pull, lift, contract, squeeze, demand force and exert intention; every muscle feels sore and the only thing I can comfortably do is breathe, slowly. I talk to myself and ask “why do you do all this?”. It’s the same question every human being that I’ve interacted with has asked me, at one point in time.

Why?

Why this passion? Why the dream to become a great athlete? What do I want to prove by commanding iron in the gym, food on my plate, hunger in my belly and pain in my body?

What do I seek when I can feel my life draining out of my body, when fatigue sets in more and more, when weakness grows within my body on a constant, resilient and assuring pace?

Why the satisfaction when I see veins coming out, when I see my muscles getting shredded, when I manipulate the body with precision and feel, for a moment on stage?

So many questions.

Bodybuilding has always been regarded as a masculine sport, in it’s essence. Women’s drive to succeed in it has been superficially viewed as controversial. So how do I march forward in a sport that demands me to be muscular, strong, shredded, symmetrical and yet express high levels of femininity and naturalness? How do I keep the balance between hard and soft, between driven and calm, between performing in this sport and being a completely functional human being?

These are all challenges that bodybuilding brings and the more I do it, the more I see and understand that my passion for displaying the hard work I do is deeply rooted in my soul, as a desire to push myself, to push my limits.

A point of no return would only exist if I allow my passion to consume my life, instead of enriching it. Pushing it too far would only mean I subtract all other elements that make up my identity and place my dream on a high-reaching pedestal.

My body cries right now, but it is also grateful. For all that my body does, it is something it can do and do well. Where others would say “it’s too hard to do”, I say “I want to do this”. Where others would think “you’re too masculine”, I think “it’s my body following my mind, which shows my self”. Few things can feel natural to do; bodybuilding is one of the few.

All other fears and racing thoughts I have slowly fade away when I remember the why’s. The hunger to bring into physical realm what exists only on the inside.

To command fatigue, hunger, physical pain and to turn it into satisfaction, to render it into self-actualization.. That is my why. There’s no fear of working in vain, no lack of confirmation, no uselessness of a dream when the motivation comes from within and the satisfaction can be self-generated.