The Here and Now

Every past thought that’s ever crossed my mind, has, in a form, actualized itself into reality. There had been moments when I thought future possible events would most likely never turn into the real thing.

And as I concocted, consciously or not, projections and dreams, scenarios about who I might become, who I might meet, whom I might find interesting, worthwhile, about what I could achieve, where I might go and what I might experience as I reach adulthood, I just dismissed it as play.

Now I know, and this is something I’ve ingrained hard in my belief system:

Every creation, whatever the channel in which it turns out to become real, is rooted in playfulness, in idle moments, in random acts of day dreaming, in short-lived episodes of rebelliousness.

Because those are the moments you start asking yourself and Life the big W question “What if?” .

• What if I could become someone people admire?
• What if I could see myself as a balanced adult instead of the fucked-up teenage girl crying endlessly until she empties herself out?
• What if running away didn’t feel so poignant any more?
• What if I reach success, and not just any: but the kind of passionate success, doing the things my heart loves completely?
• What if my loneliness is a prerequisite for later social productivity?
• What if my anguish is actually paving the way to self-developments and awareness?
• What if sensitivity to traumatic feelings will lead to a life of fulfillment which otherwise wouldn’t feel the same?
• What if my reading get-away’s offered me the basis to cultivate more complex thinking which otherwise would have remained dull, mediocre and aligned with more ordinary social conventions?
• What if my “shady moral compass” (as I called it during my teen years) is actually a more colored moral compass that’s not only pointing to 4 cardinal points, but it actually has deep levels of measurement and can navigate me through an array of troubled waters as an adult?

These are merely snippets of thought. The process repeats itself, on and on. We all know repetition is a staple when building reality out of “thin air”. In my case, repetition was never a troublesome thing. My obstacles were always on the side of confidence in the process and in the Self conducting the process.

It struck me, as I’ve grown to see things clearer than I used to see.

I know we humans have a wonderful tool in our brain, this ability to create order out of entropy. By giving meaning to bad experiences, bad choices, bad memories, bad itself, we create value onto “good”. And by doing so, we ensure our Self doesn’t get scattered into the distant corners of the empty world of Desperation.

Yet, I want to believe our ability to create beauty, skill, action out of chaos and darkness, is not a mere thing of survival for the Self, but rather an innate desire to create Life, to overcome for the sake of overcoming.

To create out of nothing is not an act of survival, it is an act of godlike energy and I meant it in no religious sense whatsoever.