The inner Voice

I know what foggy eyes are trying to say; the hurt, the pain has been poured so deep inside, that your body cannot remember what it is. All it knows is anxious expectations, crippled walking through the sea of people, zombying out through traffic and spontaneous crying in the rare and precious moments when you finally feel free and safe to be vulnerable.

See, the thing with having experienced past trauma as a child is that they never go away.

So the only thing you can do is develop unconscious mechanisms to cope with it. These coping behaviours are not there because you willed yourself to grow them, but because it was the best thing you could to at that time.
Blaming will never get you nowhere and if you’re reacting in a quiet agression as you read this, means you still have work to do. And yes, it’s monumental work ahead!

I do not wish to scare you, the world scares you enough already.
I do wish to warn you though, not in profetic terms but rather as a friendly heads-up. I simply wish to be the voice you never heard from an older sibling, your mother or your father:

You do need to pay attention and develop proper space for down time, for relaxation time, for creative moods you may have, for idleness, for genuine work, for personal missions and goals of yours, for self-acceptance and acceptance of others.

How will you know when you need such time?

Your body will tell you: your back will be excesively stiff, your mouth dry regardless of how much you hydrate, your head will hurt, your stomach will burn you alive, your heart will jump out of your chest the second you wake up, your calves will melt as you walk, you will feel rage and frustration on others who are beyond your control, you will hate the ones you should love, you will feel numb when you should be loving and kind and warm and gentle.

Your body will tell you, through disease, through endless panic, self-doubt and self-sabotage and senseless aim of living.

Those will be the times when you will need to turn into your best friend and nurture self-forgiveness and compassion for not being able to do more.

Much like the butterfly who is first a little catterpilar, your soul will need to feed and care for itself in a quiet space, away from everything and everyone.

All this can be in your head; but if you cannot mentally distance yourself, you should distance your body and mind at the same time.

Any ambitious clinging to your current scenario will validate your suffering as a righteous act in front of no one, not even in front of yourself.
Martyrdom through silent suffering by being overly responsible, considering yourself as overly responsible, by being ignored or simply thinking you are being ignored and any other factual or projected suffering is pointless and it’s a highlighted representation of a deep lack of self-knowledge, in it’s exhaustive sense.

• Self knowledge does not say "I am ugly and stupid", it instead says "there are some things in my personna I can actually improve" and not to be accepted by others but to be satisfied with myself.
• Self knowledge does not say "I am worthless", it instead says "there is something Iam surely passionate about and that I can pursue more of to reach a sense of fulfillment"
• Self knowledge does not say "I am not good enough to do this" it simply says " I can work on my abilities to validate myself more and I can invest more energy into this to feel more satisfied about it"
• Self knowledge does not say " I am all alone" it simply says "I put too much responsibility on myself regarding my role in this society/family/relationship and I should learn to let go of certain things I get the sense I have to do. "

Self knowledge is not a dictionary; self-knowledge is a process we have to invest in, much like learning how to grow an olive tree. Although simple and straight forward, it is a living process, an organic phenomena.
And it's endless; monumental; continuous.

It is the only way we can live without being self-martyred.